The Darkness of A. Brown's Soul

9:42pm: SWILNews 00 is Black as My Soul
( The Pain I Feel is Indescribable )

5:28pm: i want a cookie
Maybe a chocolately cookie with white chocolate chips.

11:19am: I am losing everything I know. I thought I had determined the design; now I realize that life is a long lie.

I need saving.

10:46pm:

You're Colombia!

You do a lot of drugs, and these have kind of distorted your view of
reality, to the point that everyone looks like an enemy.  You keep trying to restore
order over your schizophrenic world view, but you don't even know which goal is your own
and which is someone else's.  You're pretty sure someone needs to be punished for all
this, but who that is changes all the time.  Things would be a lot better for you if
you switched to coffee, or even to decaf, but all this money would be hard to give up.

Take
the Country Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

Somehow, this is just more depressing...

6:18pm: A Sad Spring Break
I am far removed from those who would offer me succour; I am left to drift in the wasteland of my own imagination.

When, oh when, shall I again be reunited with those who understand me, who see my darkness and my pain?

Never. Never shall I know such peace, for it exists not in this world, nor any other.

10:05pm: Rose and Chocolates of Despair
True romance is indeed the embrace of violence and death, though such happiness is beyond those of us whose hearts have long since died for want of our hearts' desires.

Can I claim such pain without a broken heart, or is the pain enough to suggest to me the suffering those with shattered souls can bear?

I don't know, as I know nothing.

My pain is eternal.

I know I can hope for no more than a swift death, the painless embrace of that silver-winged angel who haunts my dreams, but heart falls always for dreams of more.

Loathsome heart and loathsome day; I will allow my despair to embrace me, and release the darkness chained by my lethargy. You cannot bind such pain.

I suffer in quiet silence.

Unloved.

Thrice-scorned.

Alone.

2:17pm: The Music Of The Night
Beautiful pain encircles my heart — it is as though a black rose were circled 'round it whose thorny stem brought forth brilliant red drops that fell upon the midnight petals. I have heard the desperate beauty of the serenade, bestowed — in an instance of seemingly mocking improbability — upon me. For but a moment it was as though the sublime hopelessness of my world was granted an accompaniment, and my own pain sang in harmony with what sounded for all the world like a small (black!) alley-cat crying and breathing its last, its own tortured soul disappearing into the beyond in the one small act of mercy it would ever receive.

What becomes of cats, when they expire? Do they go to another, yet more hopeless, hell, seeing only that the heaven that might have been promised them, had anyone cared enough to make such promises, was but a lie? Or does their very catness dissolve entirely into the winds, like so much dust, leaving only fast-fading memories and uneaten sardines?

Oh! Such reflections are too much to bear! I retreat to the dull torment of the quotidian, and to the hope that the crystalline beauty of song will leave me at last in peace, for its power overwhelms me.

May you, too, escape the unsparing death-cry of the sirens,
appending_goth

8:43pm: Reflections in My Tears
The death of my bitter solitude has brought me to an edge of unwrought depression. I don't intend to burden you with the details of my world of indescribable pain, but to briefen the description, those who expect some recompensense for bringing me into this world have very nearly forced me to interact with them over the course of the past month. They, who cannot understand the pain that is my near-constant companion, have imprisoned me in their socionormative ideals, ensraring me in their illusory curtain of life.

Why won't they leave me to my poetry? To my desparation? To my pain?

I cannot bear a burden of more pain, but to mark the passage of days, I have torn a volume of my most treasured works, adding greater weight to my bleeding soul. Three days, and then I can return to a place beyond their reach, to the dragging despair back at school.

May your heart burn with the pain of my own,
appending_goth

11:30pm: When the Reflections of Darkness Cause More Sharp Painful Agony
Ask me not why I shed these tears,
without such voice to voice my payne.
For with each breath pain spears my soul
For light unreflected in the darkness in my pain-filled soul
And casual touch-undirected to my unworthy spirit.
Does this pain cut me with sharp agony,
or bring a new depth of dark to my heart?
It shall, and misery, new and bitter,
will give new rise to the meaning of aginy.
Do not expect an end to suffering,
Until life itself comes to its bitter denouement.

5:23pm: Napkin Poetry
At lunch today, the ridiculousness of my own existence struck me, and I was compelled to set it down on a napkin so that it could be immortalized for all eternity.

Oh, why does the darkness of my woe
Drip down as ink from my bleeding wounds
As a fallon sparrow, whose hopes once so high
Have been slain by life's cruel blades
O dark miasma of sorrowful cries!
Staunch the beleding heart from fatal cuts
And let one's vision fade to eternal darkness.